The Inferior Dream I still move on with what I'm blessed with. I am indeed happy with my new life. But wherever I go, or what I do... even in my rest bed or when Im asleep I see you. I dont know how is this possible. It's been a year and 2 months now, but I wish I could wipe all the memories we had together and I would be the girl that never been hurt badly. And now I see what stands before me. Im fighting for my own rights and trying to stand on my own 2 feet. See where it got me today. With the help of my partner, family and friends. I cry inside, no matter how much hurt you have caused me and scared me. The dream that I see her with you in our house that we onced lived, she being the inferior one that I could take her place, but I just couldnt go back to you nor see you face-to-face anymore. You took away something that was very precious to me, a life. And now I have to live by it every day of my life. In my dream, I drove passed the place you stay and rode a bike to hide my identity. But you reached out to me and called my name. Talking to me, asking me to come home. But she was there, coming home and being afraid that I was going to take her place. She's mentally ill and the way I see it, she needs you more than I do. I walked away with tears rolling down my cheeks and you let go of my hands. I took my helmet and wanted to ride off but you followed behind me. Why are you doing this? I asked myself... I woke up and its never real, nothings real. When I woke up, I felt more inferior because my partner wasnt there. And he left to work the same way you did. I packed my bags and ran away, thinking you would look for me. But it's all over now and I gotta look forward whats infront of me than to think that its ever gonna happen. Sometimes Im afraid that Ill ever bump into you in the malls. You know, my tears can never shed for you no more.

Wanted

I know lately he has been busy working,
and I started working, but it seems the same when im working or not because Im always home before he is..
Im trying to understand that his working hard for us,
But sometimes I do have doubts about him which is bad.
I keep telling myself its wrong to think that way because in the end of the day when he comes back,
he always hug and kiss me telling me how much he loves me very much.
H holds me tight and I feel wanted.
But sometimes, I feel maybe I should not aspect too much because we'll end up getting disappointed.
I know work is work but what about me?
Aren't I one of your top priorities or responsibilities?
Am I being selfish? unconsiderate?
Whenever I text him, I always expect him to text me back.
and when I call him, I expect him to pick up the call promptly,
I know his trying his best.
But I wish we could do better.
At least have a days meal together such as dinner?
Since breakfast his always sleeping in..

Working and missing him

Time has pass and things have been great.
Nowadays, we have been spending time siiting in the pool he just bought for us.
Although Im afraid of cold water and tired after a day's work,
Im still going in just to have that special moment with him.
Now sure if he notices anot.
Trying to figure out what to cook and how every day.
Cause we haven't bought our cooking stove yet,
so currently using our housemate's one. (Kindda feel bad)

YIPPIE~
Things couldnt be better than this because I have changed.
He has too.
And I love him for him...
so much

I need to know

Sometimes I wonder what I'm hoping for,
Feels like I've lost my sense of direction.
Knowing that we're just sitting on the see-saw,
up and down up and down,
not knowing when one is going to stop.
Who says it's going to be an easy ride?
Although time is not on my side,
but I would strive for what's best for all.

I feel that I'm not getting the support and encouragement,
I dont know what I'm good at anymore.
Help me find my way through,
although it's just a little tiny one.

I feel blocked.
Like I can't breathe.
Since that morning, I've been hoping.
But each day I feel like I'm getting weaker and weaker.
My appetite has decrease.
Body getting weaker and sometimes it shakes.

Just don't push me away.
Talk to me.
I don't even know what's going on nor what your thinking.
So please, if you wanna be happy..
just talk it out so that we both know.
For the best of us.

How much?

How much do I want to do things behind your back?
How much do I want to see you get hurt?
How much do I want to lie?
HOW much?

If only you knew how were things between.
If only you knew that I never meant to hurt you.
If only you knew I only did this because I know your temper and jealousy could kill us both.
If only you knew I never once gave up on you, but to move on just because hurting both you and I are just.. so... PAINFUL!

Last Night

I pray to God to keep you forever
Sometimes I get the feeling that we were meant for each other
But hate and envy will kill us all
How could we go on if we are still stuck here
I did not plan to watch the person I love or care about get hurt because of all my downfalls and mistakes
Listen here, life isnt just about me.
When I'm under pressure, I run away.
And you would think for us both, its over
Or maybe that's just me
Just like the days and nights where I would just disappear
And get u crazed up. Like a lost man.

Sometimes I couldnt reach to you because of the obstacles that I'm going thru
But somehow I feel your presence is always by my side
Countless times you would try to get closer to my heart and comfort me
And I thank you for giving me that little hope of love to hold on
I used to remember lying beside you, counting the infinite stars in the sky...
Especially after tears has fallen and rolled down my cheeks.

You used to tell me to stop crying because I'll look ugly when I cry
But I know, when I cry, you too cry inside.
Your being strong for me, to show me the courage.
I don't know where else can I find a guy like you.
Trust me.

Obviously

God Given

God gave us life,
He gave us everything we could possibly have.
But why can't someone with both legs and arms do something?
But ask and beg, sometimes command??
Are we that spoiled that we're born with a Silver spoon???

And yet, i get hit back on my face.
"WHY DID GOD GAVE ME TO YOU"
should i take this statement into consider?
should i tell you that everything has a purpose?
Don't come telling me this when I'm right infront of you.
You wanna put that statement into my mind, please do it in your own space.
Not when Im around.

Because it hurts.
It hurts knowing that your complaining that I'm a gum placed into your hands,
and cant be scraped off.
To you, I seem to be unappreciative to the works you've done for me.
But have you actually took the time to look back and say:
"WOW, SHE REALLY SPEND SO MUCH DOING THIS FOR ME"
"WOW, SHE REALLY SACRIFICE FOR ME"
"WOW, SHE REALLY CARED"
"WOW, SHE GAVE THE MOST FOR ME AND TOOK THE LEAST"
"WOW, JUST BECAUSE OF ME, SHE DID IT"

have you???
Sometimes i just wanna shout back at you when you say those kinds of things.
Everytime i just shut up.... shut my mouth from saying anything that hurts you... and keeps it inside.
But u dont know how dangerous it could be when i burst.
You deserve to know, you felt it before.
Please dont make the same mistakes.
I dont wanna do the same old shit again.

Just keep moving forward~

this is what i have to say

How come I feel like my heart longs for you?
How come I feel like Im giving in too much?
How come I feel each and everyday, this love grows stronger bit by bit.

How come?
I wonder...

But it hurts me when im just the shadow,
appears when your in danger...
Feeling like the person who wants something from afar,
but couldnt get it...
Would watching you from afar be enough?
Even if I reach my hands out to you,
would you stretch out your arms and hold me?
would you take a glance back at me?

(to be continued...)

No Title- No Way

I couldn't find the words to describe this love anymore.
It seems like its all a night's dream
Where every wonderful and horrible things happen,
even nonsensical events happen in this dream/nightmare.

I wish that you, the one beside me, would be there for me always.
In terms of helping me out, being there for me, sharing and communicating together as one.
Being loyal and faithful, truthful to your words and not breaking any promises.
But things between us don't seem to be like that anymore.
I could only remember the time we started dating, our first date.
14th February 2009

Do you even remember anything now?
Things seem to be clearer to me now,
I understand the way your treating me.

What did i do wrong to deserve this kind of love from you?
All I do is just blame myself for not being perfect for you,
Perfect for your eyes, perfect for your heart, perfect for your mind.
That's why you have the nerves to go for others.

Please don't drag me on this scheme of yours if it's untrue.
Because I dont want you to hurt me no more.
I want to know the truth coming out from your mouth.
If I have to leave loving you, I'll leave because I know that I can't satisfy you.
But if you want me, please then... I'M ASKING YOU,
Just be faithful to me.

Every night I pray hard for us to last a happy life together,
Each time I ask for God's blessing and protection to be upon us.
And that my family would accept who we are, as it is.

I've been giving you full heartedly,
My everything; which I don't think you fully understand what I meant by Everything.
It's too personal that I'm not gonna type it in here.
But I hope that things will be the same like you said that day.

Loving you

Loving you means something important to me.
This means how much I love you.
Although it has been rough for us lately,
it always turn out to be a happy story in the end.
Yesterday night, you enlighten me up by surprising me with a gift that was laid on the dining table with a lighted candle and the hand-made tissue rose.
It was an unexpected moment for me,
and I just wanna tell you 'Thank You' for going through all this trouble just to make me happy.
And I really appreciate what your doing.
Just pray to God that we'll forever be happy together and that he'll guide us and protect us each and everyday.
I love you so much Pin Hon.
I don't know whether you know what I mean by 'much'.
But it's greater than any love any mother has given, and friend or pass has given.
Greater than infinity and supernova.
It's just alot!
Can't wait for you to come home.
I love you.
Hugs and kisses

trust & forgiving

It's all about trust and forgiving,
What's there to move on when you don't realize?
But blindly living each day like a fool.
The world is full of bogus when you think back.

No one said its gonna be easy,
You have to stand on your on ground,
And be the one that people look up upon.
Not to say that you have to be of most expected,
But upon your own.

continues~

In Whatever Time We Have

I don't give a damn for the thunders of fathers
Come hell or high water whatever they do
I could not live in a world without you

In whatever time we have
For as long as we are living
We can face whatever comes
If we face it now as one
I could make on my own
Let me know that I don't have to
No one really wants to be alone
In whatever we time have

If at times we are afraid
With so little to believe in
It's alright to feel afraid
I will hold you in the dark
All we know for sure is this
Though the world could end tomorrow
You and I will be together
In whatever time we have

We know life can be a battlefield
We can face whatever comes
If we face it now as one

But we won't run and we won't yield
You'll be my fortress and I will be your shield
No one really wants to be alone
In whatever time we have

There are time I've been afraid
In a world that's so uncertain
Then I feel your hand in mine
And there's courage in my heart

We could live a hundred years
Or the world could end tomorrow
But we know we'll be together in whatever time

From this day forward nights don't seem so black
From this day forward we will never look back
In whatever time we have
We will make the most of time
And at least we'll be together in whatever time
We have

STUCK

Not quite a woman,
Not quite a child either,
But I'm stuck somewhere in between.

We look the same, like you or me.
But looks aren't always what they seemed.

Just trapped within,
somewhere deep inside.
Our memories repressed,
from when I was a child.
Awakened this thoughts,
someone you'll find,
a child inside who takes over my mind.

Mother's words becomes a part of us,
it last forever in our minds.
So you'll never know,
what's might said it all.
It could happen anytime.

I'M trap within, deep inside~

My thoughts of You

When I first laid eyes on him,
I thought this was my chance.
He flashed me up a blinding smile,
and reached out his hands to me.

You know the way we met,
it wont leave my mind.
Dancing across the room every night,
was the happiest thing. To me.

It's like an arrow right through my heart,
It's like a thorn into my soul when his not beside me.

You know when you reach for something,
and then its pulled away.
Or when you know you long for something
but you can't have it today.

Ive heard love find every heart,
and I guess love does come t
Cause the guy who stole my heart,
and inspired me to write this,
Is you. Chin Pin Hon.

And I'm lucky that it's ME.